the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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