Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
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Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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