to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
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I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
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All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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