Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
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I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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