These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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