He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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