you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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