My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
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heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
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One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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