life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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