He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
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Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
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You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize