I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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