What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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