Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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