Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
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She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
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If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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