**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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