She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
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There's always time for handjobs
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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