i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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