My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
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There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
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She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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