I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
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you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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