i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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