Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
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Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
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I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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