So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
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sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
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Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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