Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
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I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
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I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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