She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
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For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
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This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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