I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
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You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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