When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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