You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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