I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
