i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
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Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
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