so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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