My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
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This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
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Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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