just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
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How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
there is puke in my bra ... again
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