My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
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Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
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Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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