This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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