WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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