The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
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Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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