I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
im calling her cock vulture from now on
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
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It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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