I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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