I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
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Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
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Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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