I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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