There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
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We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
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I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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