It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
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At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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