Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
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She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
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And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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