My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
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I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
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If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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