every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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