Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
