As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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