Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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