we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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