I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize